| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004 |
| 11:52 am |
Goddamnit. Anthony called me last night. I dont want to hurt his feelings but Im so totally not interested. I called Graeme for advice but he was not particularly helpful. He is not a very good best friend sometimes. I did get to her about some of his sluts though. I think he was trying to make me jealous or something. Like that would work. I was only so hurt about the whole Sam thing for two reasons: 1. he was a prime culprit in the 'photography incident' and she told me that because she was my friend she was mad at him for what he did to me. So, first reason was that someone who was supposed to be my friend betrayed me. and 2.Because of mine and Graeme's arkward history of friendship, hatred, lust and love. god my life is sounding more and more like a soap opera again. Don't you hate that. I'm getting slightly worried. School goes back in a week and a day. I'll get my textbooks tommorow, finish off all my holiday homework and have fun the rest of the holidays. Sounds like a plan. Part of this having fun will probably involve getting Dom's number and explictly explaining to him that Daniel and I are no longer seeing each other. Dom is yummy. and far more likely than Carmine. Carmine thinks of me as a child. I suppose a three year gap is kinda major for some people. Also Graeme reckons that Carmine used to make fun of him for going out with younger girls. I dont know I really like him quite alot and i would like to say something but we have a really good friendship going on and i would not like to ruin it. Current Music: the wreckoning, boomcat |
| Saturday, January 17th, 2004 |
| 3:37 pm |
Auf weiderzen mein herr
I spoke to scumfacepieceofshit (that's micheal) for like three hours last night. He said he'd rate me a six. I was cut. I've never been rated below an eight. Maybe its because i was racist and mocked his fifteen year old girlfriend. I dont know exactly why I forgave him. What he did was virtually unforgivable. And Graeme also. What he did was unforgivable. But he did apologise and now, though he hates to admit it his soul is quite firmly in my grasp. Also admitting that he did love me...sorry was IN LOVE with me. Foolish. He should be mine to destroy. wow did that sound psycho or what. But after what he did...not the Sam incident but rather the photography incident.. Apparently Jackie's little friend Dave (who's a total mini version of Behic)has a crush on me. Apparently I'm really hot. How sweet. I'm thinking about seeing him but on a FRIEND basis only. I do so like his $300 Diesil shoes. God I'm a shallow bitch lately. I get to wear pretty clothes tonight. Im going to a quinceneira. Though my mother has insisted on a different skirt. Bitch. I will have a large rant tonight. Sorry to bore y'all. About Carmine, I think and how he looks like a Calvin Klein model. I wonder how deep his feelings for me run. He does tell me he loves me all the time. |
| 3:23 pm |
Daniel hasnt bought me flowers in a 2 weeks. I'm starting to think he doesnt love me anymore. |
| Tuesday, December 30th, 2003 |
| 3:01 pm |
1. Current Height: 5'1 and a half" 2. Current Weight: 53 kilos 3. Current BMI:too lazy to work it out 4. Lowest weight at current height: 53.5 kilos 5. Highest weight at current height: 61 kilos 6. Pants size: 8 or 10 7. Top size: 8 8. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? yes 9. How often do you weigh yourself? at least 6 times a day 10. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes? yes The Perception 1. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose? butt and legs and arms 2. What body type do you have: curvy hourglass. YUCKYUCKYUCK 3. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? cant live with it 4. Have you been made fun of because of your weight? yes 5. Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? Yes. 6. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? Yes and then my mother disagrees with me, tells me that i look fat in what im wearing and i have to change. 7. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 42 kilos 8. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? susan may pratt, gisele 9. Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? insecure unlovable 10. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortabe with your weight? yes The "perfect" body or inner peace? perfect body. |
| Thursday, December 11th, 2003 |
| 12:05 am |
1207am and i cant sleep
two fucking smoothies, some watermelon, some honeydew melon and 3/4 of a vegemite scroll. i am such a fucking heifer...and yet my stomach is growling. i am a greedy pig. My head is pounding like a drum. Maybe i took too much optidrine. I don't know how much i OD by today. I do know however that i dont have many left. I will have to start hardcore fasting. I am not doing to good lately. My ocd tendancies are getting real bad...of course, though I will not tell my psychiatrist. I'm avoiding my ED psychologist. I was supposed to make an appointment with her a couple of weeks ago but I haven't...hopefully she'll forget about me. I am feeling somehwat isolated lately. I hate that. I feel like a freak, removed from the world around me. Utterly alone...like a nowhere girl...existing only between the lines of the script, between the fullstops and the start of the next sentence. mmm....there's guy at work who's kinda sweet looking. we have this smile thing goin on. He smiles at me I smile at him and vice versa. He looks like a virgin, probably about 18...it would be fun to corrupt him... Or maybe he's a wild sex fiend in the guise of a sweet virginal guy...either way is good for me. i want some. arg. save me from myself. i never actually feel hungry anymore but i still eat, my sexdrive is dead but still want some...it must be fucking psychological shit. hate that. I want to do pointe. i wont let myself though until i weigh 50 kilos. No pointe until then. I'm going nuts. but i guess that just emans i must try harder. i'll go to LatinStep tommorow night...and eat only vegetables and the like. I love it when my ribs poke out and my hip bones too. It's so beautiful. |
| Sunday, November 2nd, 2003 |
| 5:23 pm |
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| Friday, October 24th, 2003 |
| 11:38 pm |
I went to the young dancer of the year awards. It was pretty lame so we left; talk about overcrossing a ronde jambe! Yeah so I went with Graeme and Daniel. Daniel hates Graeme...with all the fury of hell. I didnt really know this until yesterday. I like them both...well I LOVE daniel and am quite fond of Graeme. It is hard to choose but if Danny asks me to i will. After the awards we went to simones for drinks. its her birthday today. hehehe...I bought her ice magic...she is wicked like me :D |
| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003 |
| 5:16 pm |
The old me gorged herself to death...
...and was found lying in a mess of pizza boxes and excrement. *** I hate him so badly. Damn him for trying to make me like himself, for punishing me with his cruel words when he percieves weakness. I hate this addiction i have for being put down and mocked. I hate that my only comfort in the world is venting everything to him only to be laughed at and called pathetic. I hate what i am becoming, more like him, sadistic, apathetic, utterly cruel and selfish...and yet i love it at the same time. I am the only one he can open up to and reveal his insanity to. i hate that i can reveal things to him that i would not even tell Daniel. He is breaking in the mind. I have slowly watched an evolution...from sanity to bordering on insanity. I liked it better when i thought i was in control of our friendship; now i realise i never was. He's insane, I am becoming insane. My mind has been changed from what it once was. Its fragmented...strange. I try to hide this personality from Daniel. He misses the old Celeste. I know she's dead. We killed her; me, graeme and ANA. We killed her. We made me better. A new and improved model. I've started to regress. I wont let it happen. I will never resurrect that fat, emotional weakling. She will never come back. I need to make an even better model...and i will. |
| Friday, October 17th, 2003 |
| 9:33 pm |
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| 5:53 pm |
cant wait to get my hydroxycut. they are going to call me when they have some in. yay!!!! |
| Thursday, October 2nd, 2003 |
| 12:47 pm |
bastard LJ, you ate my entry and it was soo long, pouring out my soul in fact. I GIVE UP> I HATE LIFE!!!!! ARG!!~!!!! |
| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 |
| 10:21 am |
heaven is a halfpipe
I WISH I WERE SNOWBOARDING!!!! i cant get it out of my head; the sensation, the rush...god i need snow. |
| Saturday, September 20th, 2003 |
| 5:30 pm |
i gained another half kilo. ive been eating carbs but thats okay. im trying to boost my metabolism before my fast for maximum fat burning. |
| Friday, September 19th, 2003 |
| 4:22 pm |
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003 |
| 6:14 pm |
thinspired
tommorow... breakfast..one coffee NO SUGAR (duh.) skim milk. two strawberries. lunch. steamed vegetables,250mls orangemango juice dinner. a yogurt. friday breakfast strawberry smoothie. (4 strawberries,250ml skim milk) lunch a yogurt dinner 1 milo saturday breakfast small bowl milo cereal skim milk dinner diet coke, 4 strawberries. sunday breakfast 1 yogurt lunch carrot sticks dinner steamed vegetables, 250mls orangemango juice monday i fast. for a week. 22nd til the 28th. i eat for sustenance not pleasure. |
| 6:07 pm |
bone, bone, i love bone.
bless me ana for i have sinned. it has been a day since my last confession. i confess to gluttony, the worst of sins. i confess to eating breakfast, lunch and dinner...as well as two snacks. i confess to 800cals. I confess to skipping gym. i confess to being hidious and obese. help me that i may do better tommorow. |
| Thursday, September 11th, 2003 |
| 10:40 am |
bad me..
im in a strange mood today. kinda nostalgic. i just went on a really fantastic school camp. three whole days when i ate whatever...just as much as everyone else...not only regular food but lollies, chocolates, biscuits...ect.ect. AND i lost half a kilo!!! How? you may ask. welll it was a camp to the snow and i spent about 6 hours everyday snowboarding. it was soo awesome. it was my first time snowboarding but i picked it up pretty quick. even faster than my skater friend whom you would assume would have an advantage. so that was really great not to mention all the HOT snowboarder guys *drool*. we stayed at an inn about 45 mins from the mountain and were driven up everyday in the bus. the inn was great...spa,pool,sauna...buffet breakfast (this was really bad for me on the first day then i got over it) there was another school up at the inn from tasmania. One of the guys was REALLY cute, liked exactly the same music i do and was snowboarding too :) so of course i spent a goodly amount of time flirting with him,sitting on his lap...(my poor boyfriend..)but it progressed no further than that as i am a good girl. so all in all i had a great few days. i wish i was still up there but unfortunately it is time to come back to reality...back to my life and ana. i can honestly say i didnt miss her. if i could do it this way junk food and six hours snowboarding a day i would. i have really great tone in my legs now :) |
| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003 |
| 10:36 am |
well i got busted. forced to eat dinner. forced to make lunch for today(which i am just going to throw out. Watched until i ate breakfast (a diet yogurt and a banana). no more food for me today. |
| Monday, August 25th, 2003 |
| 9:59 am |
I feel great. no food for me. im thinspired. i feel nothing but indifference towards food. i dont need to eat. |
| Sunday, August 24th, 2003 |
| 7:46 pm |
Ate today. wont eat tommorow. i bought vitamins. i will be fine. i'm going to let her save me. i give up on hating. I LOVE ANA. I devote myself to her. She will be with me wherever i am. i am anorexic. i am going to be so beautiful. ribs and hip bones sweetie. and cheek bones to die for. the doctors dont understand. at least Dr Francis doesnt. She's dealing with a bulemic not an anorexic. another 5% of my body weight and im there. i can be called anorexic. that bitch doesnt take me seriously. she is mistaken. tommorow til Friday: Green Tea. Water. Vitamin pills. and im only stopping on friday because i have a Renaissance SAC and i need to be somewhat alert. |
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